Music has often
used football for its ill-gotten gains and, on the other side of the coin, the
sport has gotten a piggy back from the industry to promote a forthcoming
tournament or boost the bank balance of a striker.
But perhaps it
isn’t all bad, after all The Fall wrote a couple of songs about the sport.
So, here’s our
resident Montrose FC sympathiser Craig Stephen, with the top football
recordings of all time:
New Order - World in Motion (1990)
It included a rap
and was England’s official World Cup anthem of that year but it’s by New Order,
a band that could compile a range of fart sounds, add a drum’n bass beat and it
would still be the best track of the year.
I was living in
north-east Scotland at the time, and buying this at the local Woolworths would
have resulted in pelters from the lads who would have accused me of being a
traitor. So it was a furtive buy, carried out when the young shop assistant was
someone who didn’t know me and probably knew nothing about football.
New Order had
taken a new turn on 1989’s Technique, an album that revealed that they’d been
listening and taking drugs to the emerging rave and electronica scene. For this
single they teamed up with six members of the England squad for Italia ’90 and
comedian Keith Allen.
Footballers don’t tend to have very good musical tastes
so it all made for an interesting session. It has a catchy chorus, a passable
rap, a brilliant video and was devoid of much of the pommy arrogance that it
could appeal to the masses. And it did. But perhaps not in Montrose.
The Undertones - My Perfect Cousin (1979)
Ostensibly about a family member who's good at everything including table football: "He always beat me at Subbuteo/ 'cause he flicked the kick/ And I didn't know," and the cover of this single features a Subbuteo player about to “flick the kick”. Believe me, that game was popular in the 70s and 80s.
I, Ludicrous - Quite Extraordinary (1988)
Graduates of The
Fall school of witticism, I, Ludicrous spewed a handful of football-related
songs, such as ‘We Stand Around’ (about hardcore fans braving all the elements
and bad players), and ‘Moynihan Brings Out The Hooligan In Me’ (about the
odious little shit of a Tory Sports Minister at the time).
‘Quite
Extraordinary’ was a piss-take of the BBCs footballing and athletics
commentator David Coleman. “Same routine year in year out/ It's predictable
every summer/ Mispronouncing the Kenyan runners/ It gets worse in the winter/
with the goddamn videoprinter/ That's Stenhousemuir's 13th game without a
scoring draw.”
Getting the name of an obscure Scottish league side deserves a
Brownies badge on its own.
The Proclaimers - The Joyful Kilmarnock
Blues (1987)
“I'd never been to
Ayrshire/ I hitched down one Saturday/ Sixty miles to Kilmarnock/ To see
Hibernian play/ The day was bright and sunny/ But the game I won't relay.”
And the
bespectacled Leith duo have also gifted the world ‘Sunshine on Leith’ which is
now an anthem for Hibs fans.
Billy Bragg - The Few (1991)
Britain’s
favourite lefty muso, Billy Bragg, also wrote ‘Sexuality’ which isn’t about
football per se (you may have guessed as such from the title) but contains the
remarkable line: “I had an uncle who once played, for Red Star Belgrade.”
‘The Few’, also
from the Don’t Try This at Home album, was a grim tale of hooligan firms: “At
night the Baby Brotherhood and the Inter City Crew/ Fill their pockets up with
calling cards/ And paint their faces red white and blue/ Then they go out
seeking different coloured faces/ And anyone else that they can scare/ And they
salute the foes their fathers fought/ By raising their right hands in the air.”
Bragg’s ‘God’s
Footballer’, by the way, was about former Wolves player Peter Knowles, who
retired early to become a Jehovah’s Witness missionary.
Half Man Half Biscuit - I Was A Teenage
Armchair Honved Fan (1985)
Written in
recognition of Hungarian football, and with the almost obligatory “hungary for”
joke, it’s actually not even the best song about eastern European football on
the Back Again In the DHSS album.
‘All I Want For
Christmas Is A Dukla Prague Away Kit’ is mainly about Subbuteo, well, actually,
Scalectrix, but Subbuteo gets the gig among the young crowd when the racing
game conks out due to a dodgy transformer.
Barmy Army - The English Disease (LP, 1989)
The English Disease (a reference of course to hooliganism) was very much of its time, with tracks such as ‘England 2, Yugoslavia 0’ and a protest song against a plan in the UK by the then ruling Conservatives to issue all football fans with ID cards.
Barmy Army cut and paste interviews and match commentary, using them ad nauseum; expressing their love of West Ham United with snippets of the ‘Ammers theme tune I’m Forever Blowing Bubbles, and songs dedicated to Alan Devonshire and Billy Bonds.
On a hit-and-miss (the goalpost) album, the strongest moment is ‘Sharp as a Needle’, featuring the Anfield Kop in fine voice.
The Pogues - Down All the Days (1989)
My own favourite
football-related song, even if the core subject is writer Christy Brown, is
this track from the Peace and Love album, for the line, “And I’ve never been
asked, and I’ve never replied, have I supported the Glasgow Rangers,” which can
mean many things to many people.
Super Furry Animals - The Man Don’t Give A
Fuck (1996)
The Welsh
superstars’ expletive-ridden tale of a man who, well, you get the idea. It was
dedicated to 1970s Cardiff City player Robin Friday and featured the Welshman
flicking the Vs on the cover. Apparently, he really didn’t give a fig, and who
can argue with that kind of footballer. It was a great song too, but let’s
forget that it used a Steely Dan sample.
The Sultans of Ping - Give Him a Ball and
a Yard of Grass (1993)
“If God meant the
game to be played up there, He would’ve put goalposts in the air.”
The speculation is
that this single was about Nigel Clough. Was he any good?
Primal Scream, Irvine Welsh and On-U Sound
- The Big Man and the Scream Meet the Barmy Army Uptown (1996)
Three magnificent
talents who utilised those skills in very different ways in this one-off
single, Scotland’s unofficial theme tune for the nation’s team’s participation
in the 1996 European Championships held south of the border, which ended in
predictable glorious failure.
Welsh describes a
boozed-up trip to Wembley to watch Scotland play England as opposition
supporters chant “who are ya?” in the background, but the writer is essentially
hitting out at certain Scotland fans.
“In every hick
town/ Across this pseudo nation/ You can see the most fucked up scum/ That was
shat into creation/ Where a blue McEwan's lager top equals/ no imagination/
You're hunbelievable.”
Oh, isn’t the
mention of the top a reference to supporters of the now defunct club called
Rangers? Tee hee, you cad Welsh.
Gracie Fields - Pass, Shoot, Goal (1931)
And just to prove
referencing football in song is not a new fad, Gracie Fields recorded this
track before Hitler had even taken power. Fields was apparently a big Rochdale
FC fan. The song was written and recorded for a film called Derby Day about a
derby match between Rochdale and Oldham Athletic.
The film was never made but
the song survives, with a bedazzling chorus sung in magnificent Lancashire
tones: "Football, football, it drives me up the pole. You hear their
gentle voices call – pass, shoot... goal!"
Listen here
The Fall - Kicker Conspiracy (1983)
Let’s read what
The Fall’s Mark E. Smith himself said about ‘Kicker Conspiracy’ in an interview
with Uncut:
"It's about
English soccer violence being triggered off by rubbish management and frustration
that the game's been taken away from its support, that the English game is so
boring there's nothing else to do.”
Like most Smith
songs, the lyrics are obscure. It namechecks Jimmy Hill (as J. Hill), Bert
Millichip and George Best, but also ‘Pat McCat’, “the very famous sports
reporter” ...
The Fall also
released a track called ‘Theme from Sparta F.C.’ which contained lyrics in
Greek. Here’s some of the most transparent English words: “Cheap English man in
the paper shop/ You mug old women in your bobble hat/ Better go spot a place to
rest/ No more ground boutique at match in Chelsea/ We are Sparta F.C.”
Trout - Green and White (1995)
This is a single I
can't recall buying by a band I had never heard from (nor since). And that's
almost the same amount of knowledge as Dr Google has.
It is gloriously
non-produced with incomprehensible vocals - I can detect something about
Partick Thistle and “doing the conga” in The Jungle at Parkhead but the chorus
is quite transparent: "Green and white and Rangers shite/ Green and white
and Rangers shite" repeated several times. And what more would you want in
a song?
The single
(entitled "A Tribute to Celtic") is shared with electro-friendly act
Cha Cha 2000 who's ‘Tired Legs at the End of the Game’ is equally word-unfriendly
but I can make out a "Celtic Celtic" chant and some sort of football
connection. Somebody out there must know something?
Andy Cameron - Ally's Tartan Army (1978)
Glaswegian
comedian and all round gallus Cameron released this wee cracker that even got
the supporter of the old Rangers a Top of the Pops appearance when it reached
No.6 in the British charts. Comparing manager Ally McLeod to Muhammad Ali was
typical of the tongue-in-both-cheeks humour.
Listen to this
verse with a straight face: "When we reach the Argentine we're really
gonna show/The world a brand of football that they could never know/ We're
representing Britain; we've got to do or die/ For England cannae dae it 'cause
they didnae qualify."
Scotland lost to
Peru, drew with Iran and found themselves out of the tournament instead of
winning it.
Morrissey - Munich Air Disaster 1958 (2004)
He used to be an
inspiration now he's a flag waver for all the shit political philosophies of
the world. But back in 2004, when he was still much revered, Mozza recorded
what I think is his only football related song, a tribute to the Busby Babes,
the lightning Manchester United side of the 1950s, most of whom died in the
infamous plane crash at Munich.
Luke Haines - Leeds United (2006)
The somewhat
eccentric Haines, formerly of the Auteurs and various offshoots, wrote this
about life in the 1970s of Vauxhall Vivas and Ford Corsairs; of Kendo Nagasaki
and World of Sport. "From Wakefield to the Ridings/ To the ground at
Elland Road/ At Leeds United they're chanting vengeance, it's a 13-nil defeat
on the front page of the Post/ A last-minute substitution but we didn't have
the talent/ I was beaten, we were gutted, I was sick as a parrot."
Mano Negra - Santa Maradona (Larchuma
Football Club) (1994)
A typical brew of
latino, reggae, dub and hip-hop from Mano Negra. There's big drums, tannoyed
vocals, the sound of flares, football chants and a certain Argentinian player
with a unique way of using his hands during a game. Sounds like Les Negresses
Vertes.
Thee George Squares - 74 in 98 (Easy Easy)
(1998)
"The official
Fortuna Pop! World Cup EP". The A-side featured a “supergroup” of members
of Prolapse, The Fabians and John Sims (a band) based around an actual world
cup final held at Hampden Park in "92 or 93" in which Scotland beat
the United Arab Emirates on penalties after leading 3-nil.
The B-side, the
"Sassenach side" by MJ Hibbert celebrates, as it were, England taking
home the ‘Fair Play Trophy (Again)’. It was definitely the poorer cousin to
Scotland's entry which when it comes to art and music is usually the case, and
to prove how woeful the poms were, they had an image of Jimmy Hill on the back.
Colourbox - The Official Colourbox World
Cup Theme (1996)
Despite featuring
that same Mr Hill (on the cover, groan), this is actually supremely excellent,
an instrumental built around a pumping bass and a horn section, it really does
sound like it should be the theme tune for a World Cup highlights programme, or
at least a segment featuring cracking goals and other choice moments. The story
goes that Match of the Day producers were keen to have this as the soundtrack
to its tournament highlights show. I don't care if it's true or not I'm going
to tell all my friends that it is.
Pop Will Eat Itself - Touched by the Hand
of Cicciolina (1990)
The Poppies were a
bang average indie rock band from a humdrum town called Stourbridge; La
Cicciolina was a blonde porn star who became an MP in Italy with a small
left-wing group. A marriage made in ... ahem. Anyway, the Poppies eschewed
their traditional greasy guitar sound for this very 1990 dance track peppered
by samples from Bowie, the Human League and Funkadelic that could have been
touched by Andy Weatherall. La Cicciolina doesn't have any input into the song
itself but does appear in the video looking supremely lovely.
Real Sounds of Africa - Dynamos vs CAPS
(0-0) (1984)
The (usually)
11-piece Zairean band who recorded out of Harare, Zimbabwe, also recorded ‘Tornados
vs Dynamos’, ‘Soccer Fan’ and ‘Na Alla Violenza’ - likely to be a plea to footy
fans. The band, also known just as Real Sounds, were one of the African bands,
alongwith the Bhundu Boys, who came to Europe’s attention in the mid to late
1980s and collaborated with Norman Cook.
I haven’t covered
everything … how can I? And there are club/band team-ups that are actually
quite good, notably Shane MacGowan and Simple Minds appearing on a charity EP,
in tribute to Celtic legend Jimmy Johnstone, plenty of songs by Serious
Drinking, or more from I, Ludicrous and Half Man Half Biscuit, and an obscure
indie trio from Norwich who issued one single in 1991 and who’s name I haven’t
made up yet, blah blah blah, but you get the bloody point.
(But you have
covered a full first-team squad’s worth, an OCD-defying and curiously symmetrical full score plus two, which in this case, might just about be right. - Ed)
